I don’t know what happened to you in your life that led you down into this dark place that you have found yourself in, but I would just like to let you know that there is a way out. You don’t have to live this life harassing women who just trying to make a living, while propping up patriarchal notions of femininity and sexuality. I know that people have taught you your whole life that you are nothing more than a man’s rib, but you are not, you are so much more than that. You are a beautiful creature who has the ability to do a hook flip in a micro bikini after downing a fifth of vodka. I believe in you. You don’t have to cover your body, please learn to respect yourself and show some cleavage. God created you in her likeness and you are honouring her by showing it to the world in all your glory.
You don’t have to take your husband’s name! In fact, you can choose your own name, first and last, and change it whenever you like. You are an individual capable of being so much more than a wife, mother and unpaid domestic slave. I see that the twinkle in your eye has faded after what you’ve been subjected to at the hands of god knows how many men who have tried to control you, but I will help you get that twinkle back.
God loves you and she will forgive you for your sins and I and my congregation of glitter covered worshipers are here to help you escape. We are here to rescue you from this dreadful life of servitude that has been chosen for you, you poor helpless creature.
I am here as a friendly shoulder to cry on, so long as you conform to my narrow ideas of womanhood. I’m sorry that someone taught you that sex is something that should only occur between you and your husband for free. I promise that you will find a willing customer who will pay you what you’re worth. No one owns your body and your sexuality except for you, and you have the right to profit from it, all for yourself, despite whatever evil men in your life have taught you.
I know you may think that you have the right to choose your own life free of my meddling but please have faith. It is understandable that financial independence, female emancipation and sexual liberation are concepts that scare you, but I will teach you that you are worthy of these things too. You can learn vital skills that can help you escape this life you are living.
Finally, I love you and I will pray for you. May God bless you as she has blessed me and I hope that you choose the right path
By Katja Hippopotamus